My Cup Runneth Over

I attended the "Everything to do with Sex Show" on Sunday afternoon, the third and final day of what is billed as Canada's largest sex show. Lest anyone out there think I'm a lonely, sleazy pervert - allow me to clarify - I did not go alone.  Oh, I'm still a perv - but I took a date.

The venue was the Direct Energy Centre down at the Exhibition grounds.  I don't know how they divide the space in that building but let's just say I've never seen so many dildos in my entire life.  In fact, I did not know that many dildos existed in all of God's creation. Seriously.  I'd have thought a quality dildo would last a while but people generally and your heavy dildo users in particular must go through dildos by the truckload.

And why am I saying dildo so much?  Because there is apparently no synonym for dildo.  Thanks a fucking lot Thesaurus.com!

We watched the Got Ass show which was fun and pretty hilarious. The basic premise is similar to Girls Gone Wild, wherein girls wearing booty shorts shake their butts on stage to win a trip to a resort in Jamaica.  The very first girl, a petite blond who clearly did not have the badonkadonk to compete - and knew it - shanked off her shorts at the first opportunity and flashed her whole undercarriage - say hello to the one-eyed winking starfish and the ol' beef curtains, ev'rybody, tee hee - the crowd, being Canadian, was stunned into near silence and some polite applause.

I was surprised at some of the exhibitors in attendance.  20-minute teeth whitening?  I don't know about you but I have one cardinal rule when attending a sex show - nothing gets put in my mouth.  This rule will also serve you well in strip joints, burlesque shows, video parlors and porno theatres.  This goes for food, too.  You can wait and eat somewhere else.  Anywhere else.

Funny note - right next door to the sex show?  The Healthy Kids Expo 2008!  I saw more than a few scandalized parents and bemused toddlers.  I love life.

Coda

Not to go all Jerry Springer on you, but here's a final thought about sex.

So, I'm eating in Pizza Pizza, having bid my date adieu at the subway station. These two grubby characters are going at it kinda heavy for a family restaurant, but whatever.  It isn't my place to say.  I know if I was reduced to making out in a Pizza Pizza, I'd be reconsidering some of my life choices but maybe that's just me. When a tit pops out, though, that's when I know it's time to go.  Plus, they spotted me.

Look! Did You Hear That?

More music for you, faithful readers.  Non-believers can listen too, although come winter we're gonna stack 'em like cordwood and light the pyres to ward off the snow.  What?  Too biblical?  Too apocalyptic? You won't say that when we're neck deep in drifting snow.  That's when people go cannibal.

Anyway, I'd like to highly recommend Dear Science by TV On The Radio.  I'm not quite sure how to describe this band . . . sometimes I think I'm hearing Peter Gabriel, or the Chili Peppers, or Radiohead, or Justin Timberlake, or Vampire Weekend, or the Talking Heads.  I could go on but why not give the very mellow Family Tree a listen?  I wish I could say it is indicative of the whole album but really, you have to listen to the whole thing.

And it dinnae get more Scottish than Glasvegas.  I can't say I'm a drooling fan but I do like Geraldine.

So turn on, tune in and drop out, fellow babies!

Oh, The Delicious Irony

After all this William Ayres bullshit and "palling around with terrorists" nonsense, it is with deep and fulsome satisfaction that I tell you The Washington Post is reporting that posts on jihadist and al-Qaeda related websites express strong support for John McCain, who they see as most likely to continue in the financially-ruinous warmongering footsteps of President Bush.

I'll Take "Pizza Toppings Ending in -ism" for $200, Alex

I'm sorry but what is all this nonsense wafting up from south of the border about socialism?  Or more particularly that Obama is a socialist?  Go ahead, Google "Obama" and "socialism", and see what you get.  Or watch CNN blowhard Glenn Beck wax nostalgic about the menace of Marxism, if you can stand it:

Dude, when someone has a piece of pie that amounts to a crumb and, oh, I don't know, say Bill Gates has a piece of pie the size of Mount Everest, then I think Bill can spare some pie.

I've never understood why the American electorate gets all worked up about shit they clearly do not understand.  It's like they think the political spectrum goes conservatism - liberalism - socialism - heathen communism and America is sliding down a slippery chute to hellfire and damnation.

I don't particularly like partial nationalization of the banking system either, people, but an emergency is an emergency.  Let's all remember this is happening on Bush and the Republicans watch; it isn't Senator Obama injecting - love that euphemism, by the way, like a giant dong stuffed with dollar bills - into the banks.

Huh?  It's supposed to mean a needle?  Injected into a sick patient?

Whatever.  I guess I'm wondering how "spread the wealth around" became some kind of smear against progressive taxation?  I guess I'm wondering how you can convince so many people to consistently vote against their own self-interest as a matter of principle?  I'm wondering why someone can't give Joe the Plumber a smack and say you benefit when those who have the most pay the most!

Dumbass.

Blog, Interrupted

Right, so the reason why this blog has basically been on hiatus after a very promising start is simple really: sex.  Lots and lots of incredible sex.  With a girl.  

In other words, I got my priorities straight.

Ooh, Shiny

Get a load of this vehicle.  I took this picture while walking downtown the other day.  Apparently, it is a rental!  You can check out the website on the side of the thing if you want (www.gtaexotics.ca); it didn't display so well on Chrome so I hope it works in whatever browser you use.

It's called a G2 and it costs $299 a day to rent!  Plus a $5000 security deposit!  Of course, if you want to save some cash, you can get the weekly rental package for $1399.

Ummm, hello?  Economic meltdown?  Good luck, guys, but I'm thinking the market for luxury rentals just went in the crapper.

So, if we go there, will there actually be something to see?

That, in a nutshell, summed up the reaction of two nice American ladies in Dundas Square last night during Nuit Blanche - who could not understand why everyone was standing around when there was no "art" nearby.  Now, as someone who once famously and cluelessly starting mocking the arts in front of this girl I was hoping to mack only to discover said girl was an art history major, I suspect I am only moderately more qualified to explain Nuit Blanche to tourists than, say, the clearly drunken frat-boy jackasses wandering around asking hey, anybody seen some art, yo?

Nice though they were, I'm afraid the ladies didn't really get it.  The conversation went something like this:

Lady #1: Excuse me, why is everyone standing around here?

Me: It's Nuit Blanche.

Lady #2: We know, but why is everyone standing around here?  

Me: I think you can get maps here.  It's a good place to wait for friends.

Lady #2: What are you doing standing here?

Me (holding up map): Ummm, I came to get a map and I'm waiting for friends.

Lady #1: But is anything happening here?

Me: Well, there's a big stage over there.  Maybe something will happen on stage.

Lady #2: But there's no art here?

Me: I think that guy over there in the wooden tower shining a spotlight on people is one of the artists.

Ladies (together, incredulous): Really?

Me: Yes.  I think most of this stuff is conceptual art, performance art . . . stuff like that.

Lady #1: And you need a map?

Me: Uhhh, there's lots to see and downtown is pretty big.

Lady #2: Where are you going?

Me: I'm going over to City Hall, there's a big blinking light installation thing I want to check out.

Lady #1: So, if we go there, will there actually be something to see?

Me: Ummm, blinking lights?  I hope so.

I thought the Stereoscope City Hall installation was super-cool.  I believe it was the first time I ever went up the pedestrian ramp to the roof. They were playing some slow techno along with the blinking lights - very trippy and a lot of fun.  Too bad they can't leave it in place but I guess people want their office windows back.  Selfish bastards.

Generally, I checked out some of the larger multi-media presentations in Zones A and B.  I thought Zombies in Condoland was a bit of a bust, as the crowd far outnumbered the undead, at least when I was there around midnight.  I really liked Business Class; I sat and watched that for quite a while, and only after some time did I start to wonder if all the supposed experts were even in that damn Airstream trailer, which I suppose is one of the points of the piece.

I also checked out Commerce Court, the common and the tense, Turbulence Sound Matrix, Benefit of the Doubt, the ducks in Devonian pond at Ryerson, Into the Blue, Fifteen Seconds (the guy in the sniper-tower with the floodlight), Waterfall and a few other things before chowing down on a chicken shwarma and heading home.

If you live in Toronto and can't drag yourself out to awesome - and free! - civic events like Nuit Blanche, you're really missing out on what the City has to offer.  That's right.  I'm more urban than you.  Suckas.