U R TEH FAIL

Right, so I'd say going more than 10 days without posting earns me the Lazy Bastard award for this month, or at the very least a comment along the lines of you fail at blogging.

That's not to say interesting stuff didn't happen.  I was just too busy - doing interesting stuff or having interesting stuff done to me or recovering from same - to post.  Mea culpa, mea culpa.

You Fail at Taxi

Went to Octopus recently, by which I mean the joint on Palmerston just off College and not the defunct Octapus Lounge which will get you out on Queen Street West.

It looked like a garage, I guessed it was a garage and hey, guess what?  It's a garage.  It isn't a big club by any stretch of the imagination and felt crowded at times but I enjoyed the music.

Note to all you faithful readers: getting drunken friends home is infinitely easier when said friends do not threaten to jump out of the taxi.  Uttering this threat is a surefire way to get kicked out of the cab some distance from your final destination.  Of course, when your friends decide to start the evening at Sneaky Dees, the thirty-something in you oughta know you're in for one serious gong-show of an evening.

You Fail at Foreign Relations

You've all seen this right?  Makes me cringe.  Incomprehensible.

You Fail at Failing

Yeah, this is my little tribute to the FAILBlog, a funny collection of failure that one of my Facebook friends turned me onto.  Here's my personal favourite.

I'm going to hell!  And I fail at embedding images!  It's a meta-fail. Tee hee!

Here's another in the spirit of one of my earlier posts!

So go check it out!

Holy What?

If you like electronic music and you aren't listening to Toronto's own HolyFuck, give yourself a slap upside the head.  Lovely Allen is easily my new fave tune.  Also, if I'm not mistaken, the Tories refused them an arts grant because they took issue with the name of the band.

Plus, they play the Phoenix on September 25!  I gotta get me some tix.  Who wants to go? 

This isn't the official video but it seems to have better sound than the one on YouTube that features the actual band.  Or check out their MySpace page for lots more cool music.  Enjoy!

While we're at it, whyncha look at the video for Ghosts by Ladytron. That name alone almost gives me a nerdgasm.

You Know Who You Are

There are plenty of blogs and even twitterers out there devoted to the TTC - go ahead and Google it, I'll wait - but I'm not going to let that stop me from chucking in my meaningless two cents.

People who fart on the subway during rush hour deserve to be locked in a steel cage with Dick Cheney, a rabid wolverine and an active cannister of tear gas, then submerged alive in a septic tank and left to battle each other to the death.  

Dick Cheney has never lost this fight.

Won't Someone Think of the Pornographers?

Used to be, porn and the internet went together like . . . well, apologies to RZA, but . . . like cheese and cheddar, like jeans and sweater, like mo' and better.  Turns out, market research firms like Hitwise have been tracking the data and concluded some time ago - as reported in The Economist (April 19, 2007 - subscription required) - that social networking sites and related searches would soon overtake visits to porn websites.

See?  Lookit the graphy thing I grabbed off the web somewhere.  They didn't attribute it to The Economist but I've been stuck in enough airport lounges to recognize one of their graphics anywhere.  I could be tied face-down underneath a rickety bus in rural China and I'd still recognize that magazine if we ran over it at 60 miles an hour.  So, it's from The Economist.  Don't sue me, you uptight twats.

Well, friends, what should be a red-letter day for asexual prudes and ummm, maybe eunuchs or clones with no genitals . . . has finally arrived.  Hitwise's own Bill Tancer in a recent interview indicated that "surfing for porn had dropped to about 10 per cent of searches from 20 per cent a decade ago, and the hottest Internet searches now are for social networking sites".

Take it with a grain of salt because he also says people have an irrational fear of elbows.  I said huh?  I mean, come on people. Elbows?  You have a phobia regarding bony, wrinkly, dry skin? You think some rotten old hobo is gonna jump you while you're out for a promenade, jam his saggy, yellow elbow-flesh in your mouth and say lick it like that, bitch? 

On second thought, that sounds nasty.  Put me down for that one.

How mysterious that this momentous event coincides neatly with me joining Facebook.  Once again, I'd like to take full credit for this demographic upheaval. That's right, it was all me.  Actually, I'm not surfing any less porn.  I just spend even more time on Facebook.

Speaking of Stabbings

Hey, look what's going on in my back alley tonight. Is it just me or is knife-play in this city on the rise? I think I need to start carrying a shiv: in case of deranged crackhead motherfucker, use sharpened toothbrush. It's either that or a screwdriver. Nasty bit of work, taking a steel-shank Phillips-head screwdriver in the ear.

Bar Exam

Out last night at the Unicorn - and no, it's not a gay bar, although it kinda sounds like one - celebrating a friend's birthday. Here are some things I learned -

5. In case of confusion, you may want to wear a T-shirt that says I like big dick.
4. In a hurricane, it is acceptable to get wasted in a kids' playground.
3. If there is a big creamy shot coming towards your face, and you didn't order Bailey's or Kahlua, you need to duck.
2. Asking a woman to sit on your face is not the proper way to speak to a lady.
1. As the lone man in a group of women, your odds of being called a boy-whore escalate dramatically.

I also learned that you do not want to stab anyone at the Cloak and Dagger because the locals will beat your ass. Glad to hear everyone is safe and sound!

Clip Show!

Only 11 posts in and I hate to go all Gen-X'er self-referential on you but I think we're going to follow up on a few of my previous posts.

OMFG, Zoran Markovski

In one for the "spoke too soon" file, the local Green Party candidate has also opened a campaign office on the Danforth. Yes, it's a hotbed of political activity around here.

Personally, I hope this is a sattelite office or something - because there isn't much in there except a table and chair and a bunch of signs. By comparison, in the few days since my last post, both Minna's and Churley's election headquarters have been transformed into something resembling a proper office and not some bizarro Dunder-Mifflin warehouse.

Even funnier are Minna's signs - clearly recycled from previous campaigns - that have a big ol' strip of red tape on them barely covering up the words "Paul Martin's team". I don't know why this cracks me up, it just does.

May May Debate? Debate

Yeah, I ripped off that header from the Toronto Star. In more Green Party news, Elizabeth May will be allowed to participate in the federal leaders' debates. On behalf of the blogosphere and supporters of democracy everywhere, I'd like to take total credit for this exciting development. That's right, it was all me.

Vote Churley, We've Got Parking

Hey, look here, a comment. From someone I don't even know. The campaign slogans just keep coming. They practically write themselves!

Maybe It Does Matter

The latest Gallup poll shows McCain/Palin leading Obama/Biden. I'm telling you, American voters are like Susan Sarandon and Geena Davis driving off the edge of the Grand Canyon at the end of Thelma & Louise. Get ready for another big "fuck you, world" from our friends in the States.

Give Me Some Tongue

Well, crap.  I was going to talk about sex.  I did not intend for politics to become an ongoing theme of this blog but since it seems to be wall-to-wall elections around here, politics has kinda taken over.

Today's news is that Green Party leader, Elizabeth May will be barred from the upcoming federal leaders' debates despite the fact that there is a sitting Green MP in Parliament.  Now, I know in my last post I sounded a clarion call of support for the local Green candidate in my riding, Zoran Markovski - God, he sounds like a second-tier 007 villain . . . and now, Mr. Bond, you will compost - but frankly this fucking pisses me off.  It should piss you off too, if you care one iota for democratic ideals.

According to the networks, three parties indicated that their leaders would not participate if May had been allowed in.  Oh, really?

First off, if true, then network TV in this country is run by a bunch of pussies.

Second, call their bluff.  Set up the stage with five podiums and double-dog-dare the Tories, NDP and Bloc to not show.  Give a national stage, in English and French, to Stephane Dion and Elizabeth May.  How could the Tories or the NDP sit out and allow their opponents the chance to wreck them in prime-time without the opportunity to rebut?  

It would be a big eco-love-in.  You could put three plants on the empty podiums for the no-show leaders . . . say, a ficus for Duceppe, some kind of moss for Layton and how about a great big freaky tongue orchid for Harper.  That would be great.  I can see it now -

Dion: And that's why we must reduce our commitment in Afghanistan.

Ficus: . . .

May: Don't forget that the Green Party is most credible on the environment.

Moss: . . .

Tongue Orchid: . . .

Dion: Mr. Harper fucking stinks up here.  Can I get some more water?

Wow.  Gardening humour.  Two weeks in and this blog jumps the shark.

As an aside, a big fuck you very much to Jack Layton, who never misses an opportunity to show that someone on the left can be just as big a prick as someone on the right.  Refusing to support the Greens in this matter may be a smart strategic move but it undermines the party's commitment to the very democratic ideals that are supposed to be the heart and soul of the NDP.

Third, I seem to recall a time when the PCs were reduced to two seats in the House of Commons and Jean Charest wasn't excluded from the debates.

There is no good reason for May to be excluded from the debate other than the other parties stifling the democratic process and the networks rolling over like dogs.

Go sign this petition.  

Election Fever!

For those of you that may have been holding out hope over the past week that all this federal election talk was just nonsense, I hate to piss in your Cheerios but the local candidates in my riding (Beaches - East York) have their campaign offices rented and ready to go. Two of those candidates' offices are right near my apartment. Let's have a look, shall we?

Maria Minna, Liberal

Minna is the incumbent. She first won election in 1993 and has held the riding for the Liberals ever since. She has blown out her opponent in every election except the last one, when Marilyn Churley (NDP) made the race competitive.

Like a lot of other storefronts on this stretch of the Danforth, this unit tends to be vacant most of the time. Every now and then, some business will open here but it never lasts. This particular unit has been home to several campaign offices over the years. If memory serves - always a risky proposition - the NDP has run federal, provincial and local candidates' campaigns from here several times, including Churley's in the last campaign, at least one of Peter Tabuns' campaigns (provincial, I think, I seem to recall a by-election), I believe City Councillor Janet Davis has used it and I'm pretty sure Michael Prue has used it too, which makes sense because his constituency office is just across the street. I should add, Minna's constituency office is also just a few doors away. Let's hope it brings Minna as much luck as it brought Churley in the last go round.

Most recently, I believe this place was some kind of karate dojo althought it has been vacant for a while. Apparently the martial spirit still prevails because Minna's got enough sharpened stakes in there to wipe out a rampaging legion of vampires. Or opposing campaign workers.

Marilyn Churley, New Democratic Party

With Minna snaking the NDP out of their traditional vacant storefront blight, Churley's campaign has snagged this attractive bit of retail space - a former pawn-shop next door to a former rub-and-tug that was raided and closed down by the vice squad a few months ago. Yes, this is an impressive neighbourhood I live in. I wonder, why not go all out and rent the jizz palace? Too close to the kind of work the NDP usually performs in the House of Commons? Oh wait, insert traditional joke about sucking and blowing at the same time here.

If you can`t tell, I`m kind of sour on Canadian politics. Anyway, the pawn shop didn't last long in that location before it had to downsize to a smaller store. Prior to that . . . oh, who fucking remembers. There are so many vacant storefronts here, this part of the neighbourhood and points east and south really are in decline at the expense of the affluent Beaches.

Zoran Markovski, Greens

I don't have a picture of Zoran's office because it isn't around here. The local Green Party website says his nomination meeting was held at the Beacher Cafe on Queen Street in the Beaches. Well, I guess we now know where the upscale eco-positive crowd lives in this riding. Zoran, baby, bubbelah, I don't know who you are and, frankly, I don't care - but I'll probably vote for you because I hate, hate, hate, fucking hate everyone else. Plus, you won't win. Can you feel the love? Don't fuck it up.

Who Fucking Cares,  Conservative

Eat my ass, Harper.

Screw Politics, Steal This Music

The only stoner rock music I listen to with any regularity is Monster Magnet - Dave Wyndorf is all kinds of awesome - but I recently downloaded Black Mountain's latest album In The Future, and I'm really digging it. Check out the video for their single "Wucan"; it's like a six-minute bong hit.



Or try some indie-electronic stuff by The Black Ghosts:



And some more indie-electro by Australian group Cut Copy:

Late to the Party

I'm continuing my tradition of commenting on big political news long after it becomes tired and old. Really, what can I say that hasn't been said about McCain's selection of Palin as his vice-presidential running mate? I think I'll let these unofficial campaign signs speak for me.



I kinda like the second one.

Interesting anagrams for McCain / Palin include:

CIA Clamp Inn
Clam in panic (possibly sexist but undeniably funny)

If you could get rid of the "m" in McCain, you'd have an anal picnic! Now that's a campaign slogan!

Pit Stop City

Living above a store on a major street in east Toronto, I tend to see and encounter a lot of odd or perplexing shit, far more than friends who live mere blocks away, safely ensconced in purely residential neighbourhoods. It isn't quite the same as Queen and Bathurst, where I lived when I first moved to Toronto, but it has enough problems of its own.

For example, one thing that I did not see downtown is a lot of public urination.

Now, you and I can argue the relative merits of whether downtown Toronto or east of the Don more closely resembles a public sewer until the cows come home. I'm sure the parking lots and alleys in club land are practically carbonated after a Saturday night. What I'm talking about are the dead-ender geriatrics who frequent a local coffee shop and amble across the street to piss in the park. If I see one more septugenarian's wrinkled hog watering the flowers, I may snap.

There is also a fair bit of pissing in store doorways and entrances on my side of the street. Needless to say, when I actually caught some down-and-out loser relieving himself on my front door, the convo went something like this -

Me: Thanks a fucking lot, man.
Him: Oh, oh sorry man.
Me: Sorry? Does this look like a fucking toilet?
Him: Sorry, sorry. No, it don't.
Me: No, it does not. It does not look like a fucking toilet. This is my house, man!
Him: I'm going, I'm going!
Me: Aww, man, it's running under the door!
Him: Sorry, it was an emergency!
Me: Dude, you're riding a scooter! Are your batteries dead?
Him: No.
Me: Then that's not an emergency! Drive your ass five seconds across the street to the fucking park next time!
Him: Yeah, well fuck you!
Me: You could shove a fucking quarter in the mail slot, at least!

Even crazier was the time this past Spring when, late one cold night while on my way to the subway, I actually saw a young woman shank down her trou and piss in front of the local tattoo parlor. That conversation went much differently, something along the lines of -

Me: What the fuck???
Her: Get the fuck out of here!!!

Not being my door, I got the fuck out of there.