Pit Stop City

Living above a store on a major street in east Toronto, I tend to see and encounter a lot of odd or perplexing shit, far more than friends who live mere blocks away, safely ensconced in purely residential neighbourhoods. It isn't quite the same as Queen and Bathurst, where I lived when I first moved to Toronto, but it has enough problems of its own.

For example, one thing that I did not see downtown is a lot of public urination.

Now, you and I can argue the relative merits of whether downtown Toronto or east of the Don more closely resembles a public sewer until the cows come home. I'm sure the parking lots and alleys in club land are practically carbonated after a Saturday night. What I'm talking about are the dead-ender geriatrics who frequent a local coffee shop and amble across the street to piss in the park. If I see one more septugenarian's wrinkled hog watering the flowers, I may snap.

There is also a fair bit of pissing in store doorways and entrances on my side of the street. Needless to say, when I actually caught some down-and-out loser relieving himself on my front door, the convo went something like this -

Me: Thanks a fucking lot, man.
Him: Oh, oh sorry man.
Me: Sorry? Does this look like a fucking toilet?
Him: Sorry, sorry. No, it don't.
Me: No, it does not. It does not look like a fucking toilet. This is my house, man!
Him: I'm going, I'm going!
Me: Aww, man, it's running under the door!
Him: Sorry, it was an emergency!
Me: Dude, you're riding a scooter! Are your batteries dead?
Him: No.
Me: Then that's not an emergency! Drive your ass five seconds across the street to the fucking park next time!
Him: Yeah, well fuck you!
Me: You could shove a fucking quarter in the mail slot, at least!

Even crazier was the time this past Spring when, late one cold night while on my way to the subway, I actually saw a young woman shank down her trou and piss in front of the local tattoo parlor. That conversation went much differently, something along the lines of -

Me: What the fuck???
Her: Get the fuck out of here!!!

Not being my door, I got the fuck out of there.