Opening Bell

No one sits down to write a blog anymore. People sit down with visions of writing the next Stuff White People Like or Daily K-OS, landing seven-figure creative deals, and going on Oprah. Friends, if your goal is to conquer Washington or Hollywood, nowadays you need a hook because another political blog or music blog or gossip blog just ain't gonna cut it.

So what have I got? What am I doing that hasn't been done before?

Buddy, this thing is on Blogger, home to the masses. I've got about zero chance of being noticed; I might as well be standing on a box using sign language at a clown convention. I got nothing. I'm not doing one damn thing someone else hasn't done before and probably better. I will at least try to be funny. People tell me I`m hilarious; of course, they`re usually tripping balls at that point.

With that, let me segue to two staples of the blogging scene: political commentary and gory personal story.

Biden? Really?
Somehow, I managed to space on this announcement. I sort of tuned out of politics for the summer, tired of the Democratic primary fight. Personally, I wanted to see Bill Richardson get the veep nod on an all-"We Absolve You of Your White Guilt" ticket or, prior to the revelations, John "Love Child" Edwards. Dude, your wife has cancer. This is what we call "bad press".

I don't dislike Biden so let's hope he can keep the gaffes to a minimum.

As for McCain, I keep hoping there is an unknown Governor Fruit Punch out there because "Catch the Taste" is a slogan that would surely guarantee victory for the Republicans. Apologies to non-Canadians who don't get that joke.

Gory Personal Revelation #1
I have this bruise on my leg that just won't go away. I had an appointment this morning with a dermatologist, a sprightly middle-aged Chinese lady who decided it would be a good idea to proceed with an unscheduled biopsy and sundry other tests.

I leave her office stitched up and with a clear adhesive dressing over the wound. Since I'm downtown anyway, I decide it would be a good idea to do some shopping. So, I'm in Winners - where I might add I got a great Buffalo hoodie for like $25 bucks - when I notice I've popped a stitch and blood is leaking down my leg. I further notice that people are appalled. Apparently, I did not get the memo about accidentally bleeding in public.

I go ask the girl at the register for a tissue and she hands me a roll of toilet paper, saying they don't have anything else. Winners, for god's sake, get your staff some frigging Kleenex. Don't do it for the random strangers and public bleeders, do it for your employees. Blowing your nose into one-ply toilet paper is gross. Talk about catching the taste.